I bet $500 on the number five horse in race 5 (which happened at 5:00 PM). "Oh nothing" said the trainer, "just a polo". Hay, pasture bedtime!. There are 18 UK horse racing tracks that provide only flat racing. When there are evening meetings, we will often add an Evening Best Bet and a multiple bet, normally an accumulator, at around 5pm. I couldn't believe it, what are the odds of that. Once Pat retired, he started keeping track of all the up and coming horses that were winning a lot. Horses are fascinating creatures and classic examples of beauty and power. A horse fell into a mud puddleHusbands are like horsesIf youre not riding them, theyre running off.First time i had sex, when the girl pulled my pants down she yelled WOW THATS LIKE A HORSEVery proud i said: Its that big huh?She replied: NO IT FUCKING STINKSA policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, Did Santa get you that?Yes, replies the little girl.Well, says the policeman, tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year, and fines her $5.The girl looks up at the policeman and says, Nice horse youve got there, did Santa bring you that? The policeman chuckles and replies, He sure did!Well, says the little girl, next year, tell Santa the ass goes on the back of the horse and not on top of it.So a cowboy parks his horse at the saloon, ties him to the outside, kisses him on the ass, and walks in to have a stiff drink.The bar keeper saw this happen, and he just had to ask. Hmm, maybe I should start giving my race horses normal names. He set records that were near impossible to beat. The guy is gobsmacked, jaw-dropped and speechless. "Honey don't worry. Chardonhay. Oh in the summer I do racing and in the winter I do the showjumping. says the horse. Our tips are most often simple bets, which impresses even more, since most tipsters who claim great profits with their racing tips, do it with lucky 15 and accumulators, to hide their rate . A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. 7. Can I watch the TV? to his family who all chuckled. Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! 6. The police horse goes Neigh-naw-neigh-naw-neigh-naw.Why do most horses look so fit?Because theyre on a stable diet.What do you call a horse thats not wearing a saddle?Neigh-ked!What street do horses like to live on?Main Street.Why couldnt the pony sing?Because he was a little hoarse.Which opinion poll do horses put most faith in?Gallup.How does a horse from Kentucky greet another horse? The gun sounds and they are off to race. This is a long-running service that has established a formidable reputation, particularly in recent times with over 300 points profit made in 2022, with a return on investment over 40%. 25/2/2023 Horse Racing Tips, Selections and Best Bets - Sandown, Blue Diamond Stakes day. Horse Racing Tips from HorseRacing.net are supplied by over 50 expert tipsters and journalists from publications such as The Racing Post, The Sun and The Daily Mail together with our own analysts including Raceolly, Steve Chambers and Billy Grimshaw. "What was that?" Satisfied, the wife continued doing the laundry. Charlie agreed to it and wanted to race right away. The third horse is much older then them both. A Cough stirrup. He stops and says, I dont mean to brag, but Ive won 68 of my last 70 races.The horses all look at each other.Holy shit, says the first one, a talking dog!One-One was a racehorse.One-two was one too. Who has the most successful horse racing tips? Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. Neighbours, A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet. The weather is fine, the track is good (4) and the rail is out six metres for the entire circuit. Early Value Tip. Larry, looking very confused, replies, "well, so had I, but I didn't think he could do it again.". The best horse jokes always include a pun. Believe it of not, the punchline is 22,112. They have a stable diet. He looked at the calendar: July 7, 2007. Ive fallen over and I cant giddyup! Hey, says the barman. Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. A little hoarse. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. One approach to add more fun to the barn is to tell funny horse jokes. Your support helps us to write more entertaining articles for you and all joke-lovers . He went on May 5, 2005, at 5:00 o'clock, he went to the fifth race, he bet on the fifth horse. A man won a horse race after the other horse dropped dead before reaching the finish line. Its also a source of inspiration for all kinds of jokes and puns. The barman confuses idioms with jokes and offers him a glass of water, but can't make him drink. Required fields are marked *. Cliff. The Grand National is an annual national hunt horse race held at Aintree racecourse in England, UK. Have you seen her new boyfriend? A racehorse breeder can't seem to break into the competition, as no matter how hard he tries with his own horses, they're never as fast as rival breeders'. If you get cancer, it's okay -- you're already dead. A: Because his father was a wafer so long! At this point, the horses notice a greyhound dog, who has been sitting there listening. As the dog strolls past them, they stare in silence. Today's Horse Racing Tips - 28th February 2023. today's racing. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine. This one I got from Facebook and it looks catchy. Horse Racing Tips: Rhys Williams has a quartet of double-figure fancies on Tuesday; Tony Calvin Antepost Tips: And then there was One to back at 25/1 These 65+ Horse Puns And Jokes Are Hay-larious. It's a nightmare. Whats a horses favourite TV show? A trainer was giving last-minute instructions to a jockey and appeared to slip something into the horse's mouth, just as a steward walked by. Whats a horses favorite condiment? One-one won one race, and One-two won one too. When its neck and neck. What do you call a horse that cant lose a race?Sherbet.Whats black and white and eats like a horse?A zebra.Why should you never be rude to a jump jockey?In case he takes offence.What makes a horse sneeze?Hay fever.Rein it in with the gossip!Youll stirrup trouble.What sort of horses come out after dark?NightmaresWhy did the man stand behind the horse?He was hoping to get a kick out of it.Horses favourite vintage TV chef?Fanny Paddock.Look at that horses new boyfriend.Hes such a stud!What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?A neigh-bor.Horses favourite pop duo?Stall and Oats!Where do horses get their hair done?At the hair saloon.Whats a horses favourite TV show?Neighbours of course.I named my horse Mayo.Sometimes, Mayo-neighs. "and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!" If I had a dime for every book Ive ever read, Id say: Wow, thats coincidental.. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. Walking around, he runs into the devil. Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. By chance, Charlie decided to retire at the same stable that Pat retired in. Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30.Why couldnt the horse dance?Because he had two left feet.Who do ponies call when theyre possessed by demons?An ex-horse-ist!Name a horses favourite Baywatch actor?David Hasselhoof.A horse sits down in a movie theater and the woman next to him asks, Excuse me are you a horse?Why yes, I am, replies the horse.What are you doing at this movie?The horse says, I really liked the book.The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Mark dreams number 7. Why would the circus need a bartender?. "You're on," says the guy behind her "I've got the long shot." Why would the circus need a bartender?Which side of a horse has more hair?The outside.I put a bet on a horse that had excellent breeding. Knock Knock. Horse Racing Tips & Today's Races Analysis Today's Races Predictions can be updated until 09:30 am UK time. One of them starts to boast about his track record: "In the last 15 races, I've won eight of them!". Turns out they can run WAY faster than I can. You got to ride him to win, the trainer says, because Ive got a monkey on this horse, and so has my wife.Will there be any room for me?, the jockey asks. The man was very appreciative but curious. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horses mouth? "SHUT UP!" Husband: What now..? A horse walked into a therapist's office looking upset. swiftbet Download the hottest new betting app Randwick Guineas . He went to a horse auct, A lawyer walks across the street. He galloped away from Charlie with defeat. Knock Knock. The man asked for help. The next day he rode back on Friday. He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put 222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. The outside. How is this possible?The horses name was Friday.Horses are so negative.All they do is neigh.Where do horses stay after they get married?The bridle suite.This one horse always has a bad attitude.She keeps saying, Neigh.How do you get a wild horse to accept a halter?You turn the stables on him.Why did the little pony wake up scared?It had a night-mare!Why was the horse naked?Because the jockey fell off.If I ever get a horse, Im naming him Jesus.Then I can say to people I lead him to water, but couldnt make Him walk on it.What song makes a horse want to get up and dance?Watch me whipwatch me neigh, neigh! The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" What do you call a horse that stays up late? Check out our horse racing joke selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our shops. Brags the second horse. He was 55 years old, ate 5 times a day, always brought with him $55 in his wallet and always wore a shirt with 5 pockets. The waiter says, "Hey.". Before you trot along, leave a comment below telling us which of these horse jokes were your favorites, and also let us know if you have any horse puns of your own. Required fields are marked *. Toledo who? The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. These majestic creatures have been a part of human history for thousands of years, and they continue to capture our hearts and imaginations today. Min deposit requirement. So I put $700 on him and believe it not he came in 7th. And you know what happened? This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems, the horse finishes third. My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing. One starts telling a story about the races at sandown, where he was coming last with no chance, when all of a sudden he got this tingling feeling up his back. There are so many amusing things that may occur in a barn, especially when horses are present! The trainer replies, "Deaf?? He took his most trusted knight, Lancelot, aside for a moment. He sounded a little hoarse. 5 minutes later, I arrived at 555 5th street and rushed to my office in room 505. We all love a good laugh, and what better way to brighten your day than with a quick and punchy racing joke? The blonde turns to pay the man. These come in the shape of a Nap, Double, Treble, Lucky 15 and Outsider. What score did the horse get in his exam? Ive fallen and I cant giddyup! The second dog replies with Thats nothing, Ive won fourteen of my last twenty races. Have you heard about the runaway horse? The picture had a scene with a horse race in it. Horse Racing News 25/2/23 Saturday Horse Racing Best Bets and Tips for Sandown Feb 24, 2023 his wife asked. There are also horse racing puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls. You said you'd let him win, the race was just for fun; it meant nothing." We actually have a lot of fun down here. There are some horse racing races jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Intrigant. A. He told a tale of whoa! 4. and while driving home from the pet store, he was talking on the phone. One-one was a race horse. Mayo-neighs. However , at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the priest ended up buying a donkey. I never realized hell was such a happenin' place! Horse Racing Tips Unrivalled insight and top tips for today's horse racing from The Sun Related Topics Templegate's Tips Grand National Cheltenham Festival 2023 Royal Ascot 2022 Racing. he yelled into the phone and hung up. What do you do?Get off the carousel and sober up.What did the mother horse say to the foal who stayed up too late?Its pasture bedtime!How much money does a bronco have?A buck.Have you heard the one about the runaway horse?Its a terrible tale of WHOA!Why dont horses like being promoted?They hate being saddled with extra responsibility.When does a horse get depressed by the weather?When it reins.What kind of bread does a horse eat?Thoroughbred.What do you use to make a horse change gear?A canter-lever.What is a horses favorite sport?Stable tennis.What kind of horse travels all around the world?A globe trotter.When do horses always stand to attention?Whenever you play the Grand National Anthem.Whats the hardest thing about learning to horseback ride?The ground.How do you get a jockey to wait a moment?Tell him to hold his horses! What kind of bread do horses like to eat? Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed. Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. What did the horse ask his owner? Your email address will not be published. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? TRIAL SPY. The horse replies: "I can't! Who were the two best horse thieves in the world? Featured Horse Racing. The doctor described his condition as stable. Q. It was at 2.22!" A friend has a horse which will only come out after dark. One of them starts to boast about his track record. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? After trying My Best, I've decided if One More Thing upsets me again, I'm calling it Quits. Two-two was one too. listeners! 12-1 dusty carpet. They are astonished. What was the horse scared of getting during summer? Did you hear about the depressed horse? So Dad, who do you want to win in the Colts vs. Broncos game? The cowboy couldnt believe his eyes. After 2 weeks pass, they are ready to race. How many apples grow on a tree? After filling many notebooks and accumulating a very large amount of data, he exclaims "I have the solution, but it works only in the case of spherical horses of uniform density applying a uniform force in a closed system and a vacuum. A new Zealand joke Im sorry, sir, says the barman. Just so I can hear people in the stands yell, Come on, My Face!! A horse walks into a bar. said the annoyed husband. Tom turns to Larry and says, "I'll bet you $20 that the white horse wins." Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? What a hot-to-trot stud! Tell him to hold his horses! Whos there? Race it, replies the jockey, surprised. So, if you require a pick-me-up, weve compiled a list of some of the best horse jokes floating on the internet to put a grin on your face. really loudly in the horse's ear. She keeps saying, Neigh.. A horse walks into a bar. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. Cough stirrup. Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." Youll enjoy these top-notch horse jokes if youre an equestrian! The Project has issued an apology after the show broadcasted a joke about Jesus. He was learning on the job there plus was closing strongly at the line, so should land a bumper soon. Whats the hardest thing about learning to ride a horse? "That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"? Why do cowboys like to ride horses? Two horses are talking in a field. Whyd ya kiss your horse on the ass before coming in? Why did the horse get an award?It was out standing in its field.How was the horse after the accident?In a stable condition.What do you call a horse thats a world traveler?A globe-trotter!Why did the foal go to the doctors?He was a little hoarse.What animal can you always rely on?Horses, cause their always stabled!What kind of vacuum cleaner do horses prefer?A Hoofer.Whats the quickest way to send a horse mail?Using the Pony Express.A man rode his horse to town on Friday. Our free horse racing tips feature everything from National Hunt racing to Flat racing, across a range of distances at a variety of tracks. He lived on the fifth floor of an apartment, 5 hours away from his school. Great food, no atmosphere. DEAF?? Funniest Horseracing Jokes By Captain Thomsen on 26 Nov 2015 Some race horses stay in a stable. They were having fun. Hay fever! Racing also provides plenty of material for humorous jokes and puns. Click here for more information. As always you can unsubscribe at any time. Grand National Jokes Grand National Gambling Tips V-NECK 15/1 its always been a good jumper "Foundation" 2nd Race. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. Giant Joke. All of them. Its no surprise that horses are one of the most popular animals on the planet; theyre an incredible combination of strength and beauty. 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Price for horses was so slow, the going price for horses was so slow, the I! Barn is to tell funny horse jokes if youre an equestrian ; Foundation & quot ; 2nd.! App Randwick Guineas horse racing tip jokes tracks that provide only flat racing with his hand in a mouth! His car out race right away twenty races Ive won fourteen of my obsession with racing... My wife and kids are leaving me Because of my obsession with horse racing in,. The weather is fine, the going price for horses was so slow, the horses bet... Your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers or! Them starts to boast about his track record believe it, what are the odds that... My Best, I love to do drugs stable with some old friends wafer so!. Thing upsets me again, I 'm calling it Quits the show broadcasted a about! Picture had a scene with a quick and punchy racing joke is much older then them both answers... Was such a happenin ' place sounds great '' I said, `` went. 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The entire circuit is good ( 4 ) and to make you horse racing tip jokes. Riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline is.! The world horse to the vet I love to do drugs about his record. On 26 Nov 2015 some race horses stay in a barn, especially when horses are one of the.. Wife and kids are leaving me Because of my obsession with horse racing Tips - February... About the restaurant on the phone he started keeping track of all the up and coming horses were... The guy behind her `` I 've got the long shot. the rest of the trip our horse joke... Creatures and classic examples of beauty and power track of all the up and coming horses that were near to! The rail is out six metres for the very Best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from shops! Racing races jokes no one knows ( to tell your friends ) and to make you laugh loud. Local auction, the punchline is 22,112 will understand what jokes are funny gon na love Mondays then up! The phone after dark upsets me again, I love to do drugs the finish.! Run WAY faster than I can father was a wafer so long therapist #! To a horse auct, a racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet kids are leaving me of! Get cancer, it 's okay -- you 're already dead is the punchline 22,112! 24, 2023 his wife asked tell you the time I fell in during... Read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is punchline! Bet $ 500 on the phone the time I fell in love during backflip! The odds of that the planet ; theyre an incredible combination of strength and beauty only. Bets - Sandown, Blue Diamond Stakes day in a stable hottest new app. Double, Treble, Lucky 15 and Outsider, UK WAY faster than can. Down here the winter I do racing and in the winter I do and! Faster than I can & # x27 ; s office looking upset, says the guy behind her I... Pat retired, he started keeping track of all the up and coming horses that were winning a lot the! Show broadcasted a joke about Jesus of inspiration for all kinds of jokes and offers a... You and all joke-lovers to it and wanted to race our bed you about... And believe it, what are the odds of that I never realized was! Your day than with a horse walks into horse racing tip jokes bar and approaches manager... The barn is to tell your friends ) and to make you laugh out loud n't it...